i'm gone

hey man, how's things?
not great. but better. i don't know. it's weird.
what's weird? what did you dream about this time?
well, i was in my room.
this room?
back home.
home. whoa.
yeah. i was in my room. trying to read a book. but i couldn't
focus. there was so much noise, like people yelling,
outside my door. but i wasn't there.
who was yelling?
people. outside my door. i think we were at a wake. but
there was someone there who shouldn't have been. like
sand in the outer layer of my brain. i couldn't
focus. i was trying to read.
yeah? and then?
then the yelling stopped kinda, it got replaced
with this big rushing noise like we were falling
down into a mineshaft. like a grand piano
dropped from the top floor. there was someone
in the next room calling the police.
so what did you do then?
i opened the door and wandered out of the room
in my t-shirt and superman pajamas. there was no one there.
and then?
i flew away.

where are you

hey man, what's wrong?
i've been dreaming again. not the normal
running away kind.
well, what did you dream about?
i told my friend i'd meet up with him and
he should text me when he was set to go. but
i was hanging out with some other guys
and when i finally remembered to check my
phone, i had seven texts. the first one said
"where are you." the next one had three
question marks. then he told me to answer
him already. the one after that said
"help, i'm drifting into space and i need
you to anchor me. where are you." and then it was
"i'm losing my grip. where are you man."
then "that's it. i lost it. i don't know
how much longer i'll have reception out here
so this might be it." and the last one had
been sent 5 minutes before i checked my phone.
it just said "Goodbye jess." i sent him a
text and when he didn't reply i went out
to look for him. i couldn't find him. i never
saw him after that.
hey. look at me for a sec, man. you
didn't do anything wrong.
i know. haha, i know, man. i know.

im/personal attacks

i'm glad you're here anyway man. it's nice
having friendly faces around.
i thought you said they were treating you better.
they are. most of them. but some of them
it's not their fault.
well can't you tell them about it?
it's not that easy man. i can't just
do it. i get really scared. i ask
for answers but when i come back
all that's there is a blank page. then i
always erase my question. i'm afraid
other people will see it.
i thought you said you were happier.
i am. i definitely am. it's just
the ups make the downs so much worse, man.
like the trips home, running errands,
and acting, acting, again, over the phone,
at the receptionist's desk,
using my hat with the long earflaps as a tool,
jutting my shoulderblades out like a
failed attempt at flight.
i don't need classes.
i'm a pro.
at what? acting? failing? flying?
that's a dumb question.

i talk to myself at night

hey, what are you looking at?
do you know what it's like?
what what's like?
being called, man.
called by what?
come on man, just listen.
i can't hear anything.
whale song. clear as day. come on, man.
i still don't hear it.
ah well. maybe it's just me.
hey, man —
what?
have you been having a lot of dreams lately?
yeah. it's flaring up again.
what are they like this time?
well sometimes they're really sad. but sometimes they're not. like sometimes they're really realistic. and then i'll look out the window and they'll call me.
call you?
yeah. telling me to come down to the sea. sometimes when i dream it's really realistic. like i'll be talking to you and then i'll look out the window and hear it on the wind. clear as day. calling my name in a way more beautiful than anything i've ever heard. whale song.

i think you're just taking this too seriously

hey man, sorry about that. i just got real
disoriented for a second there. yeah, no,
i'm fine. what were we talking about? right.
my ex. my ex-what? exactly. haha, i know
that's not what you meant. what did i mean?
sorry man, that was dumb. i shouldn't be
talking about this right now. i keep losing
it. you know man, just my vision keeps going
in and out. i already saw my doctor, she
told me there's nothing they can do. i keep
forgetting to focus. focus my eyes. and
when i cough i keep losing my grip. all these
things i keep when i'm sick. i can't hold on
to anything when i'm well. it feels like a
movie-set model of hell but at least i can feel it
so i don't want out. hey man, i'm real sorry about
that. what were we talking about?