holding someone's back hair

i hate sharing. i'm a little kid
with a tenuous grasp on the english language.
i eat bubble gum for breakfast and
play 52 pickup with the vacuum cleaner.
i can spell azerbaijan. you guys
always catch me in a good mood.
being bogged down isn't so bad when
your friends are there to make
fireworks out of the cattails.
i tell little kids to get off the lawn
when they crawl into my birdhouse.
nothing's clean and everything is
in its proper place. so stop
yelling at me, you're not my mom.
where did you put the shotgun?
these poetry tomes are staring me down so
let's attack them in
a non-linear fashion.

I Love This Poem

The Candy Man

I strolled by the factory
and all my eyes could see
was a bountiful sea of milk chocolate candies

My mouth opened wide
as I peeked inside,
and tears of Almond Joy came pouring out my eyes.

I went around back,
broke open the door latch,
and ran about the factory ready for an eating attack.

I heard a Milk Dud not far away,
deciding to go on my Milky Way,
until a guard stopped me and said: “It’s just not your day.”

I Snickered at the guard,
called him a big, fat lard,
and told him he’d never put me in the prison yard.

His backup came soon enough.
They slapped me with the cuffs,
and my heart broke into Reeses Pieces⎯Man, I was crushed!

The bail was 100 Grand.
My mom came to lend a hand,
and I showered her with Hershey Kisses to show how thankful I am.

-Conor Meehan

snail hunting

tonight we hunt the rarest of snails,
who shies from the rays of the sun.
i warn you to breathe softly, my friend,
lest he hear you coming and run!

though i've traveled the world a hundred times,
i have never yet glimpsed a one.
i warn you to breathe quietly, my friend,
lest he hear you coming and run!

i have heard in the orient his trumpeting call,
floating by on the ocean breeze.
i warn you to tread slowly, my friend,
lest he hear your footsteps and flee!

i have seen his great teeth-marks dug into the bark
of african rainforest trees.
i warn you to tread lightly, my friend,
lest he hear your footsteps and flee!

he watches the night like a vigilant owl
and creeps like a panther black.
i warn you to stay low, my friend,
lest he hear you move, and attack!

he is leviathan, behemoth, and yet
leaves no slimy snail-foot track.
i warn you to stay still, my friend,
lest he hear you move, and attack!

the ichthyosaurs have all gone extinct,
the ammonites no longer survive;
i warn you to hide well, my friend,
lest you catch his rubber-stalked eye!

but in the darkest jungles all o'er the world,
still this monstrous creature thrives.
i warn you to take care, my friend,
lest he jump out and eat you alive!

my hairy bigfoot feet

hello, friends, my name's bigfoot
you can call me sasquatch too
see, most people think i'm pretty scary
but i promise that's not true

i know i'm almost eight feet tall
but i'm really a very nice guy
it's just that people run away when they see me
before i can even say hi

so i sniffle a bigfoot sniffle
and i wipe my bigfoot nose
on my oodles and oodles of tangled brown fur
(you'd be surprised how fast it grows)

i'll admit i'm pretty lonely
see, i'm the only one of my kind
and none of the animals will talk to me
(maybe it's the smell i leave behind)

so should you see me in the woods
(i hope you'll understand)
if i come up and say hello,
would you shake my bigfoot hand?