romance dreams

I listen to the mail truck driving away,
a little sad, and fold my hands,
give a little smile. My friend smiles back
knowingly. We both know what it's like
to sort of be in love with someone, then
listen to them drive away every night
with no gesture of returned affection.
To see them every day, support them,
become vital to them, even, when
the time requires it. To see them
bravely defend you with no inch of give.
And then they leave.
Behind me, outside the loading bay,
I hear an engine idling. But my eyes
stay firmly glued to the riveted floor.
I do not dare look for fear of having
all my fallen-in hopes erased.
But I see my friend staring past my shoulder
so at last I turn and look.
And it's him.
Returned, for some reason.
He leans out the mail truck door
and smiles at me, and I lose myself a little.
And then he is suddenly very close to me
but it is fine. It is all fine.
Being so comfortable with each other.
Content to do the depending this time.
And being absolutely sure
that this is it.

(in sum: after having terrible dreams forever, I FINALLY had a happy dream. A romance dream, to be exact.
Too bad it would also have made good fanfiction material. I don't know where that came from lol.)

In the other part of the dream, I was taking Japanese and Chinese at the same time, so that sucked too

Last night I had a dream that some guy fucked one of my friends over, so my friend told me to cave his head in with a baseball bat. I was fine with it, but I did it digitally or remotely or something. So yeah, what the fuck does that mean?

innocuous

is it okay if i have dreams about
shishkebabs and american summers?
of visiting the grocery store with you on a
hot afternoon? (i'm pretty sure
i was wearing flip-flops and shorts)
living like a suburban dad without
the triviality. drinking st. pauli girl
non-alcoholic on the porch while
the sun goes down and the mosquitoes
try in vain to batter their way through
the screen. going inside and turning
on the radio, dancing stupidly to some
bad 80s rock song. feeling like the
luckiest guy on earth. is that okay?

it gets a little hazy from here

i stand in dirty bathtubs
there are ten pints of blood
in the human body
he's lying on top of the lockers
what if he sees me
close the shower curtain
don't let the cops in
he's a big guy
how did he get here?
how did he get me?
my wrists are free
and why, fucking why
i should be terrified
but all i feel is the drugs,
and my insides have turned to sludge
i don't know where i am
so i cling to the shower curtain
and watch the door
and when it swings in
i see the sunlight on the floor
i just want to sleep, throw up,
something but
i can't lie down, there's
not enough room in the tub
so i cling to the shower curtain
i can barely stand
my friend is dead
i can't think how
can i make her alive again

he was a big guy. i fucked up. so he killed my friend. i don't know how he got his hands on me.

I need to move past all my wrong decisions.
but I'm stuck in the military sense of mind
of "leave no man behind." not even the bad parts of them.
So I go back, even if it means using the good parts
like a helmet on the stick,
and it's a crying shame but
not one I'll be crying about.

I'm stuck in the basements of horrible dreams.
these days my friends' eyes pass right over me.

and these days I'm so scared of the cold.
tell me, when will the winter end?
when will it be summer again?
when will I stop needing a friend?

i had a bad dream

my hands were still cold from winter
and his back still wet
when i set him ablaze.

my hands were still sweet from sleep
and his neck still soft
when i slit his throat.