Familiar

I don't feel safe anymore. Like, I know rationally,
I'm okay here, nothing ever happens here,
things are all right here. But then part of me thinks,
what if, say, the roof cracks and caves in on my head,
or I fall and I can't move and no one ever finds me,
or there's an outbreak of some new disease,
and I'm susceptible, just for no reason,
just because of who I am? And it's all I think about now.
Like, whenever my mind happens to go blank for a moment,
then I get so scared, without warning, just out of the blue.
And I almost can't stand it, like it's always
verging on unbearable. Like I'm always
this close to totally breaking down forever.
And I wish I could fix it, or do something about it, anything,
if I could reach my hand into my insides and
move them around, to try and relieve the pressure,
or if I could take my brain apart and lay it out
and look for the dark spots, and cut them away,
like using a butter knife to slice the bruises
from a banana. And I keep asking myself,
Why is this happening to me? Why is it happening now?
I don't have any of the answers to these questions.
I don't the answers to anything. I mean,
what do I know, even? Who am I to say
that I'm safe here, or that it's gonna be all right?
Who ever knows that? And how do they know it?
And how can I ever know that? How?