"The Rape of the Facebook Friend Request: a Heroi-Comical Parody of Pope's 'The Rape of the Lock' " by Tom the DJ (from my English class)

What lustful pining spurs this awkward scene,
Sing out Muse! of things lewd and obscene.
A classic case of boy meets girl I tell.
Well, initially things were going well…
And now I should commence my little tale
Of love’s first spark ‘twixt plastic cups of ale:
In polo shirt and wearing cheap cologne,
Our hero yelled out above the drone.
His words received by yonder beauteous belle:
Step one of ten until his yen be quelled.
A line of poesy made the stars align;
He spoke to her his lovely pick-up line:
“Oh damsel there with tiny ping-pong ball,
You sink my cups! You sink them one and all!”
But always ‘tis the fate of lonely men,
That every party soon must meet its end.
Unable now this nymph’s sweet heart to seize,
He travelled back, but feeling ill-at-ease.
Returning home that fateful weekend night,
He leapt in bounds with all his foolish might,
But on arriving safely at his dorm,
His anxious feelings took insidious form.
What madness crept into his lustful mind
Bestruck by arrows of a shooter blind!
How calm composure amorous motive trumps,
‘Love-drunk’ was he upon her lovely lumps.
As passion from our hero now unfurled;
He cast his love into the cyber world.
A twitter tweet to her would sweetly coo;
While Facebook pokes replaced the billet-doux.
Continuing on this romantic quest,
He sent the girl a Facebook friend request.
What happened next our friend cannot recall
–Just distant memories of her Facebook wall.
In feelings tangled were his actions mixed,
So sent he her a bunch of naked pics.
His naughty words could not now be erased,
As they were etched for good in cyberspace. —Thomas Anderson