seven million

each time i glimpsed myself in a mirror,
i saw only grey, uniform and running.
so i went back to black boxes and pale eyes
and sunny days and some raving intellect.
it was all right, for a while.
but everything's all right
only for a while.

i tried to say, "good memories."
but it came out as "i'm missing something."
my tongue is slashed to bits with sugar crystals
that leave me strung out and sliding downhill.
etch the good memories behind my eyes
so that i'll know where to find them,
because otherwise i'll never remember that they happened at all.

when i looked for solace in a story,
i found only roses that ripped me apart,
which is a rarefied kind of stupidity, i know,
but i couldn't deny my compassion's shattered confidence.
sometimes i wish that everything didn't remind me
of the very best things i keep inside myself
and use to slowly burn me up into an empty, loving shell.

so i decided to stop being stupid
and made the damn call already.

deconstructed

life isn't shit as long as i can stand up. as long as i can write, i'll know i'm still thinking. as long as i can sing, i'll know i'm still breathing. don't wait to talk to me. i swear i'll share this bottle if you tell me what you believe. i don't get paid a lot. i get high a lot. sometimes my friends wait up for me. sometimes they know it's best to go on without me. i'm getting old. i disagree. protests are fun, sad little things. if you want to haul your voice into the air, don't be surprised when it flies upward untethered. have you ever lost control? i have. it made my head crash into a million places. i love it. i wish it never happened. i know i told you i'd share this bottle, but i hope you won't mind if it's gone by the time you get here. i don't want a light. i want a fire. can you look into me and see if you can find it? i know i left it there somewhere. i can feel it in my stomach and my jaw and my inner ear. can you reach it? it's pretty far down. you know, i don't even have a van. is that sad? i'm not sad. only my face is sad. i promise. no, i'm not drunk. shit. get out of my goddamn face. i've been smashing bottles blind for a while here. where are my car keys? oh right. no van. no fucking car either. i'm not angry. i'm just a little sad. i promise.

my own psalm (thank you, blake)

o angel wings, o pistol bore.
don't raise me up. please ask for more.
i found six things that made you cry.
i love the things that made you lie.

o weeping song, o falling sound.
it's always black with you around.
beware the man. beware the beast.
for they're the ones who love you least.

o fifty years, o crashing wall.
it's been so long. were you here at all?
i saw you when you came to town.
it's always bright with you around.

o waiting phone, o sinking glass.
how long is it since i saw you last?
these cathedral walls can only frown.
it's always good with you around.

i miss you so, but you don't know.
i guess i'll wait for you to come home.

sonnet III

i liked last night, for all its heavy storms,
while i held you like my own lucky charm;
i did my very best keep you warm,
though freezing rain collected in our arms;

and there are days i don't know what to say,
so i just waver, struck dumb by your smile;
but when it's midnight, we forget those days,
and we just stand there, silent for a while;

the silhouettes of trees were bright and clear,
while you were shaking in the cloudy chill;
i thought, "these angry nights give us such fear."
and wished you'd be content to just stand still;

because there was lightning flashing in the sky,
but i saw fireflies flashing in your eyes.

the four horsemen

the evil lives in the ground;
those who stand in the shadow of the mountain are doomed;

bridges scream; walls cry;
rain thunders down like the severed hearts of firstborn sons;

voices erupt from the ocean;
Time and Space and Death are uttered to the forbidden air;

this heat boils human bodies;
their flesh is pulled apart and used as harpstrings;

in my dreams,
glory goes forth from the hand of god.

immersed in the magic city

when he spoke to me, he said, "water washes away red hearts"

brand new and neverending, isn't it the same thing?

i haven't been selfish for a while, so:



forget it.
i'm not going to ask you.
because i won't be satisfied with the answer.

i still can't stop listening to jawbreaker

the way you don't back down is lovely
and the way you laugh at me is great.
i like hearing it so much that, well,
not all these screw-ups are mistakes.

the way your hands twist when you're worried
is sad, true, but it looks so nice;
there are times when i just let you worry and frown.
you're my secret. you're my vice.

the way your heart beats in my chest
and i feel you breathing in and out,
it's keeping me. it's killing me.
i'm yelling it out before it breaks me down,
breaks me now:

I
WANT
YOU.

oh niiine

i want to blow up the whole world out of joy
i want to drive my car off a bridge because i know it'll fly
i want to run around like a tyrannosaurus rex
i want to dance in circles until i fall down half-dead

so come on.
let's take the time to throw our friends into ponds
and fall down and roll around and laugh our way through
and let's wait to take a nap for a couple more days now.

talk radio

when people hate my kind
but i'm too far away

when people are going to descend
but i'm too far away

when people need my help
but i'm too far away

i'm supposed to be the one
who's bad to the bone
but their dirty voices cut through me
and through my bones
and sometimes it's tough to handle.

so i toss down my responsibility
and let some long-haired no-brained kid pick it up
and sometimes i feel okay with that
and sometimes i don't.